Starting up again.

While this will remain my primary posting place, I'm going to begin using my tumblr again - this time, with a different purpose. Recently, I've become entirely unhappy with my health - or lack thereof - and its effect on my appearance. Read: yes, I'm complaining about my weight again. But bear with me.

While my body mass index now falls within the normal range, I was once on the brink, teetering between being overweight and being obese. After four years attending a somewhat prestigious all-girls middle and high school, I chose to leave and enroll in the school that would become my saving grace - mentally, emotionally, and physically. The change in me began even before my first day of classes. As soon as summer began, I decided a complete lifestyle overhaul was in order. I went on my own sort of diet - a healthy eating plan that limited carbohydrates and focused on fats and protein. With barely any strenuous exercise, the extra weight began to melt away. I don't imply that weight loss is this easy for everyone - it's not. The fact that I was able to lose so much weight with limited physical effort is a simply a testament to my problem, which was not so much under-exercising as it was overeating.

By the end of the summer I had lost thirty-five pounds. I was wearing new clothes and bearing a new outlook and confidence. Over the next three years I would continue to lose weight - after ups and downs, I had lost nearly fifty pounds from the time I left my old school to the time I graduated from my "new" school.

It's funny because at my lowest weight last May, I was still unhappy - I still longed to lose that "last five pounds." And after a while, I stopped trying. Summer came and went, and then my freshman year of college came and went, and somewhere in between each of them I gained five pounds. Ten pounds. Thirteen.

And that's where I am now. I still consider myself to be a stress-eater. I snack when I procrastinate. I bake when I'm worried. I can't shake my appetite when I'm upset. Just my luck that I'm somewhat of a "stresser" by nature.

So, you guessed it. My tumblr will become my weight loss diary - feel free not to follow if that's not your cup of tea. I'm about to make the age-old vow to get healthy again. To eat better, to exercise, to lose weight. Whatever you want to call it, I just want to be happy with myself. I can't express how proud I was - am - to have lost those first thirty pounds four summers ago. Although I didn't see it then, I can say it now: I saved my own life.

And while now the situation is not so dire (nor dramatic), the desire remains. I need to do this before it's too difficult. Before the stress of college or a new job or a family rests on my shoulders, I need to get to a point at which I am willing to call "good enough."

And so it begins.

Weighty Issues, Part 2: The Mirror.

What happens when the Real Life You meets the Mirror You?

You get to see what everybody else is lookin' at. The crooked nose. The rounded tummy. The cellulite-laden thighs. That zit on your chin looking like Mount Vesuvias.

But contrary to popular belief, mirriors don't offer us perfect reflections of ourselves. There is a disconnect between our actual image and our perception of that image. That disconnect is why I can see a girl nearly identical to me in stature and I can consider her absolutely drop-dead gorgeous, while my opinions about my own body are less than favorable.

That's what I've been trying to explain to my friends all these years... It's not the weight. It's not the size, or the shape. It's how it all looks on me. How it feels to me.

For girls who struggle with body image, looking at our bodies in a bathroom mirror can be like looking at them in a fun house mirror: everything you're seeing does exist in the Real World, but the proportions are inaccurate.

It's that distorted perception that can keep us from being completely happy with ourselves.

I know some people are going to read this and think, Okay, easy fix. So you and like, 90% of the female population see yourselves as bigger/shorter/taller/smaller than you really are. Just alter your perceptions. Beauty is relative.

It's so much harder than that. It's hard to let go of a self-perception that, while maybe inaccurate now, was so prominent for so long.

In fourth grade science, we learned about adipose tissue. Fat cells, obviously, store fat. We learned that although one can lose that stored fat, those fat cells never go away. They just empty out. A male classmate of mine turned to me and said, "That's too bad for you, Grace. Did you hear that? Fat cells never go away."

I feel like an overweight body sometimes doesn't go away. It just empties out. And it leaves behind this imprinted memory of what you've looked like. What you've felt like.

And - it is true, you know. Beauty is relative. So what if your standard of beauty isn't matching up with your physical appearance? What do you do then? I guess you change. You change either your appearance, or your mindset. And I'd prefer a little of both, to be completely candid.

Sometimes I read what I write here and I want to delete it and shrug it off like it never mattered to me. But I just want to be honest with myself and express myself somehow. A lot of what I'm sharing here I've never shared with anyone but my closest friends. And, I want to make it clear that I'm not just writing about this because I need to be flattered with compliments about my body. I don't need that. That Mirror Me needs self-approval, and no one but Real Life Me can give that.

Weighty Issues, Part 1: Introduction.

For as long as I can remember, I have had body-related self-esteem issues. Don't get me wrong - I know this is not uncommon in girls. Women. Females. Whatever. But if my body is a temple, I don't regard it as such.

I was a cute kid. Round face. Blue eyes. Nice smile. But among some of my earliest memories of elementary school are glimpses of feeling... different. Because beginning around that time, I was no longer thin.

And I would remain overweight for nearly a decade (that seems weird to say now - a decade!), gradually gaining weight throughout the remainder of elementary school and then packing on the pounds like crazy throughout my middle school years. This came as a result of several factors: unhappiness; a poor diet; and good, old-fashioned genetics.

Most people at my high school of three years don't know that I lost a monumental amount of weight after my decision to switch schools. It was a blessing that came as a result of healthy eating and more luck than work. I ended up as a sophomore who, while not exactly svelt, didn't feel as if I would stand out as "that one." For once.

Since then it's been an up-and-down ride of fluctuating weights and corresponding fluctuating emotions... I think most people would be surprised to learn that I curse my body almost daily, what with the effort I put into dressing it. Although it seems paradoxical given the context of the entry, I'm a firm believer that everybody and every body is beautiful and everyone can be happy with their bodies so long as they accept them and, hey, dressing them well doesn't hurt either. That's what clothes are to me: a shield. If I'm dressed nicely, you won't notice my size.

But lately I've been feeling less than content with my body - and clothes aren't fixing it, when I can no longer fit into the things I own. And no, this isn't some fish-for-compliments type of post... If there's one thing I've learned from being overweight it's that once you've been there, you're kind of stuck there. Does that make sense? I still consider my body to be imperfect and I still critique myself as if I am still unhealthy - a passtime that is more harmful than helpful.

But it's hard, even with the amazing support system of family and friends and Boyfriend who compliment me when I'm feelin' good or comfort me when I'm feelin' bad. And guys, I will say this: it's not worth it to be overly critical of your bodies. As my mom, who's stuggled in the same ways that I have, has told me, "It's truly a waste of a life" to focus on that kind of thing. I guess the main thing is, a person can't place his or her worth in his or her physical appearance. Ever.

So I'm trying.