Sunday, May 3, 2009

Same old, same old.

I can make friends. Often, however, I feel less than equipped when it comes to maintaining those friendships. I know my friends have their own lives to live, but it hurts to reach out to someone and get little to nothing in return. It feels like this keeps happening: just as it's been resolved with one friend, it happens with another. It's... ironic. And sad.

I haven't always had the best luck with best friends. I hope she won't mind me sharing this, but I recently had a pretty difficult 'situation' with one of my best friends. It's hard to swallow when someone who told you she would always be there for you disappears from your life and denies your attempts to become involved in her life again. There are always reasons for this - I know  -but it doesn't make it sting any less. This person is someone who I feel adds an irreplaceable element to my life, and I hope that she feels similarly, and it sucked to realize that, while I was stuck missing her, she was going on living without me. I confronted her - a couple of times before anything shifted, before I even saw an ounce of recognition of the situation. She told me she understood where I was coming from - that she realized she'd been selfish. She told me that she saw that people took advantage of me... that people manipulated me, took more than they gave... I don't know if that's true or not. But the point is, she said that she had vowed to never be that kind of friend to me. And she fell through. Because life happens. So I forgave her. I always will forgive her. Plus, I realize that I was not entirely blameless. There's plenty of things each of us could have done differently.

I don't know why I allow myself to be subject to debilitating friendships... Although some people may not recognize it, I really do try to keep the peace with everyone. If I could be everyone's friend, I would. I guess I've just learned that allowing people to take advantage of our friendship doesn't always keep them around.

I don't know if I'll keep this entry up simply because I sound like such a whiney baby. I know that I have some great people in my life. I have some friends and family who are always, always there to pick me up when I'm down and I'm more than willing to act the same way for them. And I'm so lucky - so thankful for that.

I don't know the point of this post, other than I really miss the conversation of a person who has suddenly been absent from my life. And I don't know what else to do about it. The end.


Jasmine said...

:( sorry you're having a tough time with friends. i know how it is. all of my closest girlfriends moved away in the last year. i miss them so much. i really hate not having that many girls to hang out with who live near by. as for the best friend issues, i have kind of learned in the last couple years that it may be better to not have "best" friends because they may be your best friend at one time in your life, but someone else might fill that role at another time. i've sort of stopped ranking my close friends that way. you're either a good friend, or you aren't. taking the title of "best" friend out of the equation has helped me to not feel let down by my friends when life happens. i don't even plan on having a maid of honor when i get married!

that was kind of long winded! sorry! it's just something i've been dealing with lately too, so i can relate.

thank you for your sweet comment about me and levi! it really means a lot to us. :)

Grace said...

Hey, thanks, Jasmine!
That was sooo very sweet of you, typing all that up for me.
I feel similarly - all of my friends are off at college and I just haven't really 'clicked' with anyone at my college yet.
I try to explain to my boyfriend Ethan that he's an amazing friend to me, but there's something different about girl friends that you just can't replace.
I hope you find some close friends nearby soon - I'm sure you will!

And you're definitely right about the 'best friend' deal...
I don't really title my friends in that manner (I sort of think of all of my close friends as best friends!) but they began to refer to me as such, and it stuck - and, you know, that kind of makes it worse when they're up and gone!
But I really agree with you and appreciate your insight and I'm totaaally with you on going sans maid of honor!
I don't know how I could ever choose - maybe that's a good thing?

Good luck with everything, and thanks so much for your insight!
I'll definitely check in on your blog.

<3 Grace.